Building Confidence When Validation Fails

Ever ride the high of a great roll one day and feel crushed the next? We dig into why that swing happens so often in jiu-jitsu and how to escape it by separating confidence from validation. Early on, BJJ showers you with loud signals quick improvements, surprise taps, nods from coaches but those signals can fade as the room gets tougher and expectations rise. If your identity is tied to external approval, the comedown hits hard. We share a better blueprint: build calm, durable confidence that does not wobble when you lose a round or get your guard passed.

I open up about my own blue belt setback in competition and the year I almost lost by waiting to “feel ready.” From there, we map out practical tools you can use right away. You will learn how to swap “Did I get a tap?” for smarter metrics like survival time against specific partners, decision quality under mount, and composure when the pace spikes. We look at why skill compression at blue and purple forces cleaner choices, and how to make those choices by drilling intentional, low-energy routes instead of frantic movement.

You will also hear how to train where confidence grows fastest: bad positions, tough partners, and awkward matchups. We talk through starting rounds under side control, building guard retention plans, and logging small private wins that no one cheers but your future self will thank you for. The goal is simple trust your process more than the scoreboard, measure what you can control, and keep your breath and mind steady when the heat rises. Validation is loud and brief; confidence is quiet and durable. If you want to enjoy the grind, compete smarter, and stay on the mats for years, this mindset shift changes everything.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a teammate who needs it, and leave a quick review to help others find us. Your support keeps the conversations rolling.

Rubber Bones has bold, unique designs that collide with the grit and grind of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Every design blends BJJ with pop culture, and storytelling to create apparel that empowers the uniqueness in every grappler. Rubber Bones supplies all your BJJ apparel needs: Rash Guards, Gi’s, Street Wear, Hats, and more. 

Check out Rubber Bones at the website link in the show notes, and remember to use the discount code Caffeinated10 when ordering. 

Caffeinated Jiu Jitsu is a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu podcast focused on BJJ training, competition preparation, mindset development, belt progression, and the lifestyle of grappling.

If you’re looking to improve your Jiu Jitsu, stay motivated during plateaus, recover from injuries, or sharpen your mental game on and off the mats, this podcast is for you.

New episodes explore:
• Brazilian Jiu Jitsu training strategies
• BJJ competition insights
• Mental toughness and discipline
• Gym culture and academy growth
• Injury recovery and longevity in grappling

Subscribe, leave a review, and share with your training partners.

Connect with the Caffeinated Jiu Jitsu community:
Instagram: @caffeinated_jiujitsu
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Caffeinated_JiuJitsu
Website: https://caffeinatedjiujitsu.buzzsprout.com

Rubber Bones Rash Guards: https://rubberbonesrashguards.com/

Discount code: Caffeinated10

Keep Your Passion Brewing

Transcript

Welcome And Topic Setup

Intro/Outro 0:04

The blend of white belt enthusiasm, black belt wisdom, and a batch of caffeine for the strength deep into the world, the Brazilian jiu-jitsu, as we explore the journey, techniques, intelligence, and the pure joy of the sport from a white belt perspective, from intriguing interviews with renowned coaches and professors to playful fun episodes that'll have you chuckling mid-roll. We've got it all brewed and ready.

Defining Confidence Versus Validation

Why BJJ Breeds Validation Traps

When Validation Fades And Doubt Grows

Blue Belt Competition Story

Skill Compression And Rising Expectations

What Real Confidence Looks Like On The Mat

New Metrics Beyond Taps

Train Where You’re Uncomfortable

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Super excited to be here for another episode. Today we are going to be talking about the difference between confidence and validation in jujitsu. Confidence is something that I've dealt with myself over the years that I've been training, and I know that others deal with it as well. And then validation is kind of the same. And it's hard sometimes to tell the two apart. So today I'm going to try and do just that and give you some of my perspective between the two. So starting out, there was a time in my jujitsu journey where I thought I was pretty confident. I walked into the gym feeling pretty good. I expected the things that I was doing to work, and I expected to do well. That feeling wasn't confidence, it was validation. Because the moment the taps stopped coming and the rounds I I stopped winning, the moment I got shut down by, say, someone new, the moment the coach or the professor didn't say anything, that confidence vanished. And if you've ever walked out of the gym feeling incredible one week and completely deflated the next, if your belief in yourself seems to rise and fall based on how training goes, I believe that this talkslash episode is for you. And just want to pause and kind of give a disclaimer here. I am actually recording this episode from my car. So you're going to hear probably some background noises that can't get edited out for whatever reason. I'm at uh one of my sons' baseball practice here on a Sunday and utilizing some of the extra time to uh to record. So, but getting back uh to the topic, uh today I really want to talk about the difference between confidence and validation in jujitsu because confusing the two two is one of the most common and probably most damaging traps in uh martial arts. And why this confusion is so common in jiu-jitsu? I think it's because jujitsu is the perfect environment for confusing the two. Uh, there's constant comparison, there's public performance, there's clear winners and losers, there's a social hierarchy, if you will, belts, stripes, and so on. Feedback happens in front of others, and every round is a performance or seems like a performance, even when you don't want it to be. Someone taps, someone gets tapped, people see it, you see it, you feel it, and whether you want to or not, you internalize it. And most of us didn't come into jujitsu emotionally, I would say emotionally neutral. We came in carrying personal insecurities, egos, curiosity, and something to improve. And early on in ju ju jitsu, or early in the early part of your jujitsu, it rewards you very clearly and very loudly. You improve fast, you catch people by surprise in your roles, upper belts kind of let you work, coaches encourage you. So there's that validation of feedback. And that feedback, even though it's validation, it feels a l it feels a lot like confidence. But confidence doesn't come from feedback, confidence comes from trusting yourself, that inner self-trust. What validation really is and why it feels so good, is validation is external confirmation that you're doing something well. It's not fake, it's not wrong, but it's temporary. And you know, look let's think about a few of these one-on-one. Validation is tapping someone and replaying it in your head. Validation is waiting to see if your coach or professor nods nods at you. Validation is feeling good only after winning rounds. Validation is needing proof every single session that maybe you belong in the community, that you belong in jujitsu. But there's some key distinctions, and validation answers the question: do others see me as good? Confidence answers a different question. And that question, and in my you know, mind and opinion is is do I trust myself? Validation can be very intoxicating. It keeps you coming back, which is a good thing, it makes training more exciting, but validation does have a cost because the moment you stop receiving validation, you don't just lose motivation, you lose a piece of your identity. And the moment validation starts to disappear, which is this is kind of the heart of what I'm talking about here, is for most people validation disappears very, very quietly. And there's no announcement, no warning, you know. Um, this happens a lot of times later in your white belt journey. It did for me, early in your mid-blue belt journey. And a lot of times when the self-expectations that you put on yourself rise. You you know you're no longer new, you're no longer surprising anyone, and suddenly no one is clapping and cheering and patting you on the back and you know, uh telling you good job, every move you make, if you will. So when this happens, you have an emotional response. And that is you start questioning everything. This is something I began to do uh around Bluebelt. And I'll I'll be a little more clear in how it showed up for me. So I competed as uh Bluebelt when I first got my Blue Belt and had a terrible performance. I mean, it was it was just terrible. Um well, I won't say terrible. I I I did win one match and then lost the second one, but the way I lost the second one was not in my mind how uh someone who had been training as long as I had at the time should have uh lost. And uh so my I didn't feel any validation from the win, and I took a hit in my confidence. So I started questioning uh should I compete? And I decided I'm not gonna compete again until I feel like I will go and you know win every every round. And that meant, you know, I'm not gonna compete all of 2025. But what in reality needed to happen is I needed to get back into competition as soon as possible. So that emotional response cost me a year of competing. You know, some other emotional responses we feel is we feel slower, we feel a bit behind, and and maybe some of us feel a bit exposed and that we don't know everything and that we still have a lot to learn. And the irony is usually um this happens right when jujitsu becomes uh very real to you, and that it's a a big part of your life, uh it's a consistent part of your week, it becomes a part of your lifestyle. And when we think about skill compression, everyone around you is good now. Um, mistakes get punished faster, meaning you tend to pay because you're you're going against someone that's very technical. Most of the people that you're rolling with are other maybe blue belts or purple belts or what have you. So any little mistake is capitalized on. You know, if if if you think about gaps, you know, these small gaps matter. Um, these gaps in your in your skill set, in your knowledge, in your toolkit, if you will. And validation dis disappears because you're failing, but because the room or or not because you're failing, but because the room expects more from you. At least that's what it seems, right? And you know, pivoting to confidence and what confidence actually looks like on the map, it's not just uh a theory for me when it comes to confidence. Confidence in jujitsu isn't dominance, it's not swagger, it's not winning rounds. What confidence to me truly is and feels like is confidence is staying calm when your guard gets passed. Confidence is knowing you can survive bad spots. Confidence is trying things that might or that you might fail at, right? Confidence is rolling without needing to prove anything. And, you know, kind of going through these and talking about some of these in my personal experience. Let's take when someone passes your guard. So when I used to get my guard passed, I um would get in panic mode pretty quick. And I would forget almost every escape that existed for uh not escape, excuse me, for you know, guard recovery, recovering my guard. But now I find myself more confident in that, you know, I take a moment and decide, okay, well, which guard retention technique would be best to get out of this person, this uh specific training partners, you know, side control mount, what have you. Right. Um surviving in bad spots as I've grown more knowledgeable in my jujitsu, I've become more confident in getting out of bad spots. And I used to think that I had to roll every single round in order to prove that there was some level of toughness or skill set or skill to my skill sets because I was a blue belt or a white belt with four stripes. I felt like I had to go every round, and all that did was lead to exhaustion and frustration. So now rolling for me is about building my skill set and knowing my limits and staying within those limits. So that's kind of how confidence feels for me and shows up for me on the mat. And validation, another thing about validation, it makes you chase outcomes, but confidence makes you trust in the process. Confidence doesn't need the round to go well, it just needs you to stay present and learn from the round, have some takeaways from it. And some of the most confident, probably grapplers or or practitioners that I know do not focus on winning or losing all the time, but they never look rushed, they're never frantic, they never look desperate, they are showing a high level of confidence because they they don't need any, you know, validation, so to speak. So how can we build confidence when our validation is gone? I think we have to think about this in kind of a three-prong approach, and that's you know, slow, practical, and and methodical, if you will. And if if taps are your only scorecard, I'll tell you, you will always feel behind. You need to establish new metrics for yourself. And you know, one of those is survival time. Did I survive? And I've done this. So uh there was a blue belt when I trained at Alliance, and uh he's been on the the podcast, uh Dark Loftus, and he he's I always joke, he's if if there is a arch enemy type, I don't want to use the word enemy, he's not my enemy, but like there was always this strive and need to one day beat dark, right? Um, and then the the there came a come a time where where I realized, look, I'm just never gonna be able to beat him. I need to start measuring how long I can survive him. I mean, again, this guy was it was tapping me in a five-minute round like seven times. And um so I started measuring by my survival time and my confidence boosted, and then it got to a point where there would be roles where I would survive him, you know, the entire time. So, you know, establ that could be an established new metric for you uh when helping to build your confidence is okay, how long am I surviving each round before I do get tapped? Um, against this pro. And then if if you're having some of the same training partners, and you know, you have uh you train, let's say, with five partners uh during class uh consistently, and two of them always tap you, just always, always, always uh you know, start measuring the time you survive from the time that they tapped you and so on. Um, another metric could be decision making. I think by the time you get to Blue Belt, you know at least several variations, two to three and more in some cases, of different escapes and passes and transitions. I think it's important to um measure how well when someone mounts you um your decision-making process, is it panic? Is it is it muscle memory, or is it thinking about, okay, are they in high mount? Okay, what are my variations of escape here? Are they low mount? What are my variations escape here? And the same with if someone's a side control or has your back, you know, what type of decisions are you making? And are you making them in not such a panicked mode? And that could be another metric, right? Are you staying composed throughout the uh the round, the roll? And, you know, or 20 seconds in, are you hyperventilating? Are you gassing out just because you're moving to move? And I this is not a white belt thing. I've seen I I've trained with with purple belts who have gassed out. I've gassed out at blue belt just because I I started moving and trying things that I didn't necessarily have to. I've seen other blue belts just move to move without any intention. And, you know, your composure, in my mind, is probably one of the best metrics you can establish for yourself because if you stay composed, you're gonna survive. If you stay composed, you're gonna make good decisions, right? And and the other metric um that I had jotted down here in the notes is is executing with intention, which is exactly what I'm talking about. And all of that comes from staying composed, right? I think the the biggest mistake we make as as as jujitsu jujitsu practitioners is we we feel like that we have to move like if we move enough, we will get to where we need to go. But if you think about you know uh a road trip and you're thinking about an atlas, uh a map, a roadmap, right? There may or or here, better yet. So uh when you when you go to put directions into your phone, typically it'll come up with several routes. And uh some routes are more direct, others are others are more con uh more time consuming. So the smart play is to pick the most direct route that saves the most time. And it's the same with jujitsu, right? There's there's all kinds of routes to the positions that we need to get to, but what is you know the least energy burning route, which is the most effective route that I can take to get to the position submission or what have you. And that is executing intentionally. And when you do this, when you set metrics like this for yourself versus tapping, confidence grows when we're able to measure things with this type of control. The other thing I want to talk about is training where you're uncomfortable. So validation lives in safe spaces. Confidence is built when we are uncomfortable. So um what does that mean for us specifically? So that means training with tough partners. That means bad matchups. It may mean starting in bad positions. I know one of the things I struggled with for the longest was escape from side control. I I've always done pretty good at escaping from mount. I typically use the technique, you know, that it's kind of like the elbow elbow escape that gets me into half guard because you know most of those that listen that know me know a big part of my game is half guard and and deep half and close guard. Um so mount has always been pretty easy for me to get out of. Um not all the time. But one place I absolutely struggled for the longest was escaping side control. So, you know, every time I would be in a situation where we'd be rolling for half an hour, an hour, 45 minutes, or whatever, at least two or three of those rounds, I would ask my training partner, hey, can you start heavy in side control? And I would spend a good part of that round trying to get out of it, especially if they were good at maintaining um maintaining side control. So um, you know, start in bad positions, start in positions that you suck in, because my side control escape now is is maybe it's not as good as my mount escape, but I can tell you I get out of side control a lot more now. Um I am able to almost always get in some version of half guard or knee shield from it. So, but it was because I put time in going through the suckfest of putting myself in those bad positions. And every round, you know, you you can measure that every round you don't maybe you don't look good, but you stay calm and realize that you're building something deeper by doing these things, by choosing those tough partners and bad matchups and starting in bad positions. And, you know, stop needing witnesses, right? The most important wins in jujitsu happen when no one notices, in my opinion. And it's kind of like encouraging private wins, fixing on one habit, improving one escape, making one better decision. Your confidence is going to grow quietly. And let confidence be boring. Real confidence doesn't hype you up, it steadies you. And that steadiness, that's what keeps people training. In my mind, at least what I'm telling myself on the days I don't feel confident, is that building confidence and building that steadiness is what's going to keep me uh training for decades and others training for decades. And if jujitsu, if jujitsu feels hard for you right now, if you feel less confident than you used to, that might not mean that you're regressing. It might mean you're no longer being carried by your validation. And remember, validation is loud. Confidence is going to always be quiet, and jujitsu will strip away the first very quickly, so you can finally build the second. I I realize sometimes when I record solo episodes, I am I'm speaking from from my my experiences and my level and depth of knowledge. So, you know, a lot of times I tell the listeners that you you have to take this all with a grain of salt. But then there's some episodes where I feel completely um legitimized to talk about. And you know, the difference in confidence and validation is absolutely one I feel uh strongly qualified to talk about because I've gone through everything I just covered myself, and I'm at a point in my jujitsu right now. You know, I'll make four years this year in April. I am a bluebelt, I have two stripes, I train consistently four hours a week, and I feel almost zero need for any type of validation, and I have a clear uh line of sight, if you will, when it comes to the things I'm confident in and the things that I am currently working on becoming confident in. And I I encourage everyone who is listening to this to take some time and think about the things that you're frustrated with in your jujitsu. And ask yourself, is it are you frustrated because you're you're you're needing validation? Are you frustrated because there's a lack of confidence in something? Because if you focus on building your confidence and toss out the need to feel validated, I assure you, you're going to enjoy this journey uh a lot more, and you're gonna find that that you grow a lot faster and that your jujitsu becomes better. And you don't experience the level of burnout that those that are still fighting and fighting against, and the waves are crashing up against the wall and discerning what is validation and what is confidence. So the goal for this year, set some goals for the for yourself this year and building confidence. Remember, also the big takeaway from from this chat is set metrics around building confidence. And if you do, I assure you, you will reap the benefits, my friend. So thank you for everyone listening. Uh check out uh the links in the notes. I have new discount codes for rubber bones, uh, rubber bones rash guards. Uh many of you who listened to the last couple of episodes have uh or know that they are a new affiliate sponsor. And I want to thank everyone for listening and for coming back and for engaging with Caffeinated Jiu-Jitsu. We are now over 6,000 downloads. And uh podcasting isn't easy, and you try not to focus on your downloads, you focus on just creating content and having chats and things like that. But it is amazing and exciting to see and a great feeling to see when you see your downloads um growing. So thank you. Uh be sure to share this episode with someone, uh, some of your battle buddies on the mat that may need to hear uh episode like this. And yeah, until next time, keep your passion brewing, and we'll see you again on the mat.

Private Wins And Steady Growth

Intro/Outro 31:19

That's the final tap of today's episode of JuJitsu. A big thanks to all of our listeners, especially today's insightful guest, for sharing their BJJ knowledge and talk. If you felt that adrenaline rush and are hungry for more, hit subscribe, drop a review, and spread the Juju Jitsu pod or two notes, and to contact the post, reach out to the email provided in the podcast description. And to join our grappling community, head over to Instagram. You post green screens, your coffee scroll on, and always be prepared for the next roll.