Why Losing Doesn't Bother You Anymore (and Why That's Growth)

A single tap used to derail my whole day. Not anymore and that change didn’t arrive with a new belt or a medal. It showed up quietly, in calmer breaths under pressure and cleaner exits from bad positions, and in a journal that traded “I got smashed” for “late underhook, fix hip angle.” We unpack that shift and why it’s not about caring less; it’s about building durable confidence in Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

I share how early training often runs on borrowed confidence stripes, compliments, and quick wins and why that makes every loss feel like a verdict. Then we dig into the tools that turn rounds into data, not drama: journaling to spot patterns, re-labeling discomfort so it stops masquerading as danger, and rolling to test weak positions instead of protecting your ego. 
The takeaway is simple but powerful: sustainability beats streaks. The people who last in BJJ aren’t the flashiest; they’re the most grounded, using fundamentals and feedback to grow month after month. If losing doesn’t rattle you like it used to, you’re not fading you’re maturing. That mindset doesn’t just improve your guard or passing chains; it carries into work, family, and all the places pressure shows up.

Listen now, share this with a teammate who’s carrying losses too heavy, and join our Caffeinated Jiu-Jitsu community on Instagram for more conversations that keep your passion brewing. If the message resonated, follow and subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: when did losses start feeling lighter for you?

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Keep Your Passion Brewing

Transcript

Kicking Off A Strong 2026

Intro/Outro 0:05

The blend of white belt enthusiasm, black belt wisdom, and the damage of caffeine for the extra deep into the world of Brazilian jiu-jitsu as we explore the journey of techniques, technology, and the pure joy of the sport from a white belt perspective, from intriguing interviews with renowned coaches and professors to playful fun episodes that'll have you chuckling mid-run. We've got them all brood and ready.

Lessons From Master Fabio Gurgel

Podcasting For Connection Over Monetization

Starting Out And Finding Mentors

Today’s Focus: Why Losing Hurts Less

From Comparison To Growth Mindset

Borrowed Confidence And Validation

The Quiet Shift: Loss As Context

Journaling And Tracking Trends

Discomfort Is Not Danger

Detaching Ego From Outcomes

Chasing Growth, Not Safety

Who Lasts In Jiu-Jitsu And Why

Belt Perspectives On Losing

High Growth When Loss Feels Lighter

Speaker 1 1:00

This has been a great first month of 2026 here for the podcast and for myself. I've had the honor of having two amazing guests on so far, and more lined up as we go into February. I had the honor of having Master Fabio Gorgel on an episode on the podcast, and just an amazing, amazing conversation and honor to be able to sit down with him and learn about the earlier days of jujitsu, the establishment of Alliance Jiu-Jitsu team, and just really uh get some golden nuggets uh from this this legend and this icon in um jujitsu. I just finished his book this month, Unshakable. If you haven't had a chance to pick up a copy, uh you can go over to the episode on the podcast, click the link in the uh show notes, and it'll take you to uh where you can buy it on Amazon. But it is absolutely amazing. I got a lot out of it. Um it was really cool to kind of uh get to have a a window into how um Master Grisel kind of thinks and uh some really good business insights. You know, I have a master's and um I have an MBA, and it, you know, it wasn't all about um you know learning about or teaching about jujitsu, but it also had some great uh business nuggets for those of us who are um you know business acting men geeks, I guess you could say. So check it out if you haven't checked out uh the episode of Fortitude Defense and with Master Grischelle. Uh we have a lot more coming. We have some pretty cool guests scheduled already for February. Uh starting to see uh early growth in the year in the uh caffeinated jujitsu Instagram community. Uh love all the interaction going uh there. It's just an exciting time, and I'm having a lot of fun. Uh, it's nice to be back to that place in my life and in the podcast of having fun. And I host the podcast through Buzz Sprouts, uh, which is my hosting platform that I use. And I use it for uh several reasons. One, it's really affordable, it's really user-friendly, but they also have a lot of tools and resources you can use as a new and kind of foundational uh podcaster or novice podcaster, which I still consider myself pretty novice compared to those that have been doing it for a long time. But one of the tools is uh a podcast that they run through uh Buzz Sprout is uh BuzzCast. And um they just give an amazing amount of um you know knowledge and advice and insights through there um that really help podcasters like myself. And one of the things they talked about is yes, there are people who get into podcasting to monetize. Um I I think there's always room and maybe some sort of a small goal to be able to monetize a podcast. I mean, I have aspirations of it someday to do the same, but um one of the things is that they looked at uh or talked about was a statistic around those who kind of get in it to monetize, and then those who get into it just because they they like to talk or they're passionate about a subject area, or they do it for connection. And I started podcasting um, you know, uh because of that lack of connection, and it's nice to be back to really enjoying and not dreading the things like editing and scripting and finding guests, but really enjoying the connecting and the conversation. Back in 2020 is when I launched my very first podcast. It was a podcast called The Inclusion Cafe. Um it was during the time that you know the world shut down due to COVID, and I thought that uh it would be great because I was in recruiting to continue um having conversations about recruiting, connecting leaders, uh leader insights with kind of the talent market. So podcasting helped me do that. And uh the inclusion cafe, it was you know, by all right, all rights, a success. I enjoyed it, gave me my first kind of taste of the tasty caffeinated beverage that is podcasting. So I um I'm well past uh drinking the Kool-Aid on podcasting. Uh, I it's something that I'll always do. I um if if you have ever considered uh starting a podcast and just don't know how, feel free to reach out to me and the message me, send us a text, whatever it's titled. And I am more than happy to connect with you and kind of walk you through the things that I did starting out and um just kind of help you along. Uh that's what I did, especially uh when starting Caffeinated Jiu-Jitsu. Not long after I had started Caffeinated Jiu-Jitsu, I was fortunate enough to be connected with Ryan Ford, who is the host of BJJ Fanatics podcast. And uh I sent a list. I think there were about 20 questions, 20 or 25 questions that I sent Ryan in a Word doc. And I was like, well, he's probably not gonna have time. Uh he probably thought I just had a couple questions, but you know, a few days later, he sends me back like a four or five-page response to each of those questions. And well, not five pages per question, but you know what I mean. Um, and you know, that I I really took a lot of that to to heart, and I put a lot of the advice that he gave uh in place and that I still use today, and it was helpful. Um, it made things a little less scary, it made me doubt myself a little less. And I've always been an extrovert. No one that knows me would ever describe me as an introvert. Um, but there's other things, right, that you need to be mindful of outside of you know how to edit, what software to use, equipment, things like that, right? It's about the the type of episodes you want to create and the type of conversations you want to have. And having somebody to talk that through, um it was helpful for me. So if that's you and you're thinking about getting into podcast here in 2026, please reach out. If you um are a member of the Caffeinated Jiu-Jitsu IG community, you can reach out to me there. Um happy to help anytime. So, what is today's episode about? Um a lot of times uh I think about well, a lot of times I have uh this kind of plan or calendar mapped out on my computer and Google Sheets that has, you know, kind of topics I want to talk about each month. But this topic it kind of kind of followed or or was birthed, if you will, uh, from the last solo episode I did, and around, you know, the the quiet pressure to be good in jujitsu. And I was thinking, well, what is the extreme opposite of that, right? And well, I won't say the extreme opposite, but what is a subset kind of opposite of that? And what came to my mind as I thought about my own journey is why why does losing not bother me as much as it used to? Right. So I I I've managed now this urge and this need to be great and the greatest of all time at jujitsu. Uh that's not the goal, and uh, I am okay with being okay at jujitsu. I am doing it for myself, for my health, physical and mental. I'm doing it because I love it. I love the people. I love jujitsu for jujitsu. And there was a time when I was dealing with, you know, those uh concerns or or holdups around you know, I have to be good at jujitsu, but losing was was bothering me a lot too. And that led to me uh feeling the pressure of needing to be to be good. But there was a time, and I don't know when, but there was a time when losing in jiu-jitsu didn't bother me or stay with me anymore. You know, I would leave the gym physically tired, mentally exhausted, one bound round, one bad round, um, could undo an entire good session for me. One tap can make me question whether I was actually improving. And, you know, the wild part is nothing about my training partners had changed. Nothing about the room changed. What changed ultimately was me. Because now I lose rounds all the time and it doesn't shake me, it doesn't follow me home, it doesn't define the rest of my day. I was needing the eye um that during the last training session, so I have a kind of a bit of a shiner right now, and I I I laugh about it, you know, people are like, oh my gosh, you got beat up. Um and I did, you know, lose the round. But um where that may have, you know, a year, maybe two years ago really bothered me, I joke about it now. You know, it doesn't define the rest of my day. And if you've if you felt that shift too, uh, I want you to hear this very very clearly that that's not you caring less. That's not you just taking jujitsu for granted. What that is, is that's us, that's you growing. And I think we need to keep in mind that early in jujitsu, it's very emotional. You don't just train, you compare. You compare stripes, you compare who taps you, you compare how fast others are, I'm air quoting here, getting it, right? Understanding the techniques. So when you lose early on, it really feels like evidence, evidence that you're maybe behind, evidence that someone else knows something that maybe you don't, and nobody really tells you that this phase is a fragile phase. You know, your confidence is um your confidence is really borrowed at that stage, borrowed from wins, from compliments, and visible success. I um I want to talk about compliments really quick. So I um words of affirmation, if you will, um mean a lot to me coming from those that are my friends or my family. And when I don't get those, sometimes my head goes to kind of a darker place or a place that um the reality of what's going on isn't the the reality. It's it's it's something typically opposite of what I'm putting in my head. And what I mean by that is, you know, when I would land a perfect scissor sweep or cross-collar choke from clothes guard, or and no one, like especially my professor, you know, wouldn't compliment or jump out of the stands or whatever, um, I would doubt myself a little. So um when we think about this this borrowed confidence, that's that's what I'm talking about. Uh a lot of us um early on feel that validation through those things. So when those things you know disappear, we we briefly feel exposed. I think exposed is the the best way to to kind of position that. And that's why losses hurt more earlier, not because they're worse and uh, you know, taking an L is taking an L, right? But because you don't yet have, we don't yet have that internal proof of who we are as jujitsu practitioners. And then this quiet shift starts to happen, right? The shift doesn't come with a belt promotion. Some people think it does, but if you do, I'm here to tell you. And those who are who have been promoted to whatever belt recently, listening to this, can probably tell you it doesn't come with a belt promotion, it doesn't come with a medal. Um, it shows up quietly. It's when you walk off the mat after losing and think, yeah, that makes sense. Okay. Now I, you know, I learned from that. I took something from that. You understand why you got caught in the submission or the sweep or the takedown. You understand what broke down in your game. And more importantly, um, you understand that this moment fits into a much bigger picture. And you start tracking trends instead of moments during a training session or sparring. You know, a lot of people uh journal. And it's one of the one of the biggest benefits I've had out of journaling is I've been able to see my progression over time. Several weeks ago, I found one of my very first journals that I started um writing in. I was a two-striped white belt, and I just started reading through some of the the entries. And then I looked to the type of entries that I write now after a session or after a week's worth of sessions. And I it's it's like two different people putting entries into this into this journal. And when you start seeing these trends, you know, you're asking yourselves things like, is my guard harder to pass? Am I calmer under pressure? Am I recovering faster between mistakes? Uh losses or loss becomes context, not catastrophe, if you will. And that, my friends, is maturity. And this is where jujitsu really becomes therapy without trying to be and building this resilience, this emotional resilience. You spend years voluntarily, voluntarily, there we go, putting yourself in losing situations. You're under someone's weight who is much bigger than you, you're out of breath, um, in competition, you may be behind points, and you survive. So your body learns something really important in this in this process. Discomfort is not necessarily danger. This is something that I've started realizing recently in my journey, in that uh I used to tap to pressure a lot. And and I'm I'm sure there are those out there who can still do it now. Um, but it wasn't the pressure so much as the discomfort and my mind focusing on the discomfort and not okay, get your arms in, get your frames tighter, hip out, you know, figuring out ways to relieve the pressure. I would just feel it and tap. And that lesson carries everywhere when you start um realizing that discomfort is not danger. You stop overreacting, like I just explained that I would I would do. You stop spiraling mentally, you respond instead of panicking. And loss doesn't hijack your emotions anymore. And I think that that that's a trained that's a trained skill, right? And at some point you stop needing to win the room. You're not trying to prove you belong. You already know that you You do, and this is your ego is detaching from the outcome. So what happens? You you roll differently, you try techniques that you're bad at, uh, which is something I need to do more of, and you play positions that you traditionally avoid, you chase growth, not safety. And your ego used to say, don't lose at all costs, don't lose. Uh even if you have to do the forbidden wrist lock on this white belt that is killing you, don't lose. And now it says it says, let's learn, right? What are we learning during this role? What are we learning during this session? What did we learn from that loss? What did we learn from losing that match in the last two minutes of the Atlanta Open, right? And that's a that's a massive shift for us as practitioners. And that uh that's what allows long-term process. The people who last in jujitsu are not the most explosive. And I've heard John Donaher say something similar to this. The people who last in jiu-jitsu are the most grounded and the most confident in their techniques and their fundamental abilities to learn. And they've lost enough to know they'll survive it. And confidence, their confidence is quiet, or your confidence becomes quiet, it becomes stable, and we stop chasing proof, and we start trusting the clock, the calendar days. We start trusting the time and the process, and that is when I feel I have seen, and that we will see progress then accelerate when we stop chasing that validation that what we are doing is the right way and we're gonna win all the time, and start trusting that this is a long game and that we may not see the results of improvement for two, three, four, five months down the road, maybe a year. Um, I have been training now for three and a half years, and uh I am just now myself, right, starting to realize a lot of the stuff that I'm talking about. And if I could have a message, like a core central message to you from what what we've talked about in this in this episode is if losses don't bother you anymore, that is not the end of your passion. It's it's really the beginning of sustainability in this beloved art of ours. And you've learned or you're learning how to stay, how to reset, how to keep coming back, showing up. We say it all the time, that consistency is the biggest force multiplier to uh success in jujitsu. And that, my friend, right, this this um I guess concept here I'm trying to push is that this is the real win. Right? This getting to that point where winning doesn't matter as much as learning. And I feel that it takes some of us longer. I think I think a lot of purple belts. If we were to if we were to get five purple belts, five blue belts, and five um, you know, white belts. And you know, we we asked them, or we we we taught them or talked about this this concept of of not chasing wins but chase growth. I I bet we could pick up on a trend or a theme pretty quick within those three belts, right? A lot of the white belts would still be focused on I'm losing every match, and their ego or their confidence would be really low. And then you would have blue belts where maybe losing didn't bother them as much, but there there's still a good bit of that ego left. But then I think once we would have the conversation with the purple belts, and then absolutely the brown belts and black belts, and of course, this is theory, assumption, whatever, but I bet the conversation would be more around losses don't even register with them, of course, unless it's competition or something like that. But on the mat and training and sparring, it's about okay, I wanted to start, you know, working with inversion and you know, all of these different things, and I've experienced growth uh going into techniques that I haven't used before. And I think that we would hear very little around their confidence being low. So, you know, hopefully that kind of puts really what I've been talking about into some type of perspective. Uh, only you know where you fall when it comes to your confidence level in jujitsu. But if you are at the point where losing doesn't bother you, just know that you are in a point of high, high, high growth. And, you know, you learn how to show up, accept defeat, reset, and keep going. And that's not just you know, that's not just jujitsu. That's that's a skill for life. And the maths teach you that losing in in a moment doesn't mean losing yourself, that growth doesn't always feel like winning, and that confidence doesn't need a whole bunch of noise and applause or grandstanding from others. So if you know you're in that place right now where it feels lighter in that perspective, that's that's maturity, and you know, that progress can't be measured on a scoreboard. So a short one today, everyone. I um hope that this has been somewhat beneficial to those who may be dealing with uh confidence issues or who have gotten to that point where we are just focused on learning. Um, but if this episode has resonated with you, do me that favor and share it with someone who you know is still carrying their losses really heavy, or heavier than they need to. And maybe you send it to your favorite training partner and um post it to your your your gym's group chat if you have one. And you know, maybe um or just sit with it, some of the things that you heard in the episode through your next tough round. And if you haven't already, uh be sure to follow and subscribe to uh Caffeinated Jiu-Jitsu wherever you enjoy listening to your favorite podcast. And remember, if uh you're interested in connecting with me further, can let's connect and get you joined up on the Caffeinated Jiu-Jitsu Instagram community. And until next time, keep your passion brewing. See you on the mats next episode.

Intro/Outro 30:24

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